Diary

Today, I Stay

Today, I Stay

Have you ever felt like you can’t stand yourself? 

Lately I've been waking up a little bit disconnected – disconnected from the universe, from my mission in this world, from my job – disconnected from myself.  

This isn’t my first rodeo. I think I spent most of my teen years and my twenties pretty disconnected – I did everything in my power to keep reality away from me. 

During that time I used to escape from anything that could mean looking into myself and analyzing, or even feeling something. I preferred to numb myself: with food, alcohol, or whatever I could to keep the lows at bay.

I still have my days when it seems very easy to fall back into past habits. There’s a part of me that is still scared to feel my own emotions, especially in unprecedented times like these. It’s safe to say it took us all by surprise, and as it becomes our new reality we’re forced to deal with emotions that we’ve never had to deal with in the past. 

Even though I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and tries to see the good in a bad situation, the past year created a real feeling of uncertainty --- not just for me, but for everyone. We’re having to get used to the fact that we don’t know what comes next, and that’s really scary. 

The difference is that today i'm not going to escape from this fear. Today I'm not leaving. Today I stay here living with intense purpose. Even though sometimes that doesn’t feel great, it demonstrates that I'm not just capable of holding on to the good things, but I’m also capable of facing pain through fear. Without the need of scarfing down an entire box of chocolates or looking for ways to escape from feeling fear.  

Today, I stay with myself, and you?